Today I watched bowling on TV. I cannot describe to how hilarious this is. I will however endeavor to express some meager portion of the life-ending comedy that is televised professional bowling.

First of all this "sport" has sponsors like all other sports but they're really trashy sponsors. Throughout the series of matches (oh yeah, you bet your ass I watched more than one!) there would always be, like, the "Denny's Roll of the Night" or the "Motel 6 Frame 6 to remember". I am not making this up. One guy had a big patch on his "shirt" that had a big fucking Dinty Moore logo. Yeah, like the stew.

You may have noticed I put the word shirt in quotes in the previous paragraph. Your observant qualities must have made you well-liked by your teachers in grade school. A pleasure to have in class indeed.

Anyway the rags these people are passing off not only as clothes but as some sort of professional uniforms are ridiculous. If you saw a man on the street wearing a blue and black plaid shirt with white snaps and his name written in lightning bolt letters of the back (Ted Stoltz Jr.! CRACKOW!) you would think that he was a homeless man. You might be slightly more confused after noticing that this particular homeless man is apparently sponsored by fucking Hormel but nothing would lead you to believe that in certain albeit rather smelly circles this piece of work is considered a goddamn professional athlete. AN ATHLETE. Like the kind that used to get all oiled up and run a million fucking miles around the greek peninsula to get a piece of a tree on their head. I bet this fucker lives in a mansion in the hamptons and has several pot belly pigs (named after civil war generals or something) that eat out of crystal trays and are wiped down with coconut scented lather hourly by an underpaid Puerto Rican ex-militant with an eyepatch and a tattoo on his arm that says "Los Locos".

Anyway, I digress. How was your day?